


One of our own

by RoisinDubhCosplay



Category: Chicago Med, Chicago PD (TV)
Genre: 7x10 fix-it, Aftermath of Violence, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Blood Loss, Family Feels, Friendship, Guilt, Gunshot Wounds, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Will Halstead, Team as Family, Trauma, Whump, halstead brothers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-31
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-18 09:02:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 20,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29115702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoisinDubhCosplay/pseuds/RoisinDubhCosplay
Summary: Jay knew that the whole idea of time standing still was nothing but cliché. In reality, death could come suddenly and unbelievably fast.-Paramedics were hurrying along, Will saw fluid bags and bloodstained gauze, and beneath a mask, bruised and pale and horribly still, his baby brother.-7x10 "Mercy" fix-it because I just watched the episode yesterday and I can't believe they brushed this whole thing off so easily. The CPD is family, and yet the episode focused almost exclusively on Hailey. It wouldn't have hurt to make this into more of a crossover. So this story is just a small fix-it for myself, featuring other characters and most importantly Will Halstead.
Comments: 41
Kudos: 173





	1. It's Jay

**Author's Note:**

> Title refers to Hank Voight's "He's one of our own."
> 
> I don't know anything about medicine so I try to keep the medical stuff as basic as possible. I also don't watch Chicago Med except for the crossovers so I hope I don't write anyone OOC.

The moment of imminent death never played out the same way.

Jay knew that the whole idea of time standing still was nothing but cliché. In reality, death could come suddenly and unbelievably fast.

He stared down onto Angela, trying to calm her, and the next moment realization washed over him just as the echo of the shot rang in his ears. He felt the impact on his chest and before he could even yell, his legs gave way. He collided with the concrete ground, it drove the air right out of his lungs, his head started to swim again, the dizziness had never really gone away since they’d smashed his head all those hours ago.

He gasped for air, wheezing as icy tendrils held his lungs in an iron grip; he had to get up, make sure that Angela was alright, he had to –

“Jay? Jay, look at me!”

A shape appeared before him, blurry but familiar, and just as he tried to reach out pain flared up in his chest, so intense that he couldn’t stifle the cry that came out as nothing but a choked sound that hurt in his throat and brought with it a wave of fear that he couldn’t shake off.

“Stay with me, Jay!”

Hailey. It was Hailey, he realized, and he tried to speak to her but as soon as he opened his mouth, he felt a metallic taste on his tongue and his vision whitened with every wave of agony that shook his body. He could feel her hand on his chest now, pressing down hard; weakly, Jay tried to bat her hand away, it _hurt_ , but his limbs were like lead and his every intake of breath sent fire through his veins.

New faces appeared, frantic voices, his mind was slipping; he tried to make out Hailey’s face in the crowd, but everything was out of focus.

 _It’s okay_ , he wanted to say, _it doesn’t even hurt anymore._

Numbness replaced the fire, it felt good, painless. He might just fall asleep. Somewhere in his mind, though, Jay thought that maybe it wasn’t all that good after all. Something was placed onto his face, and then he felt fresh air, a soft breeze that, for a second or two, cleared his vision again.

“You hang in there, Jay! You’ll be alright, you understand?”

Hank’s voice settled itself in his mind, though he couldn’t see him. Of course I’ll be alright, Jay wanted to say.

_You hang in there._

It didn’t sound right. Something was off. Hank Voight never sounded so terrified.

The numbness was spreading, leaving a trail of ice in its wake. He felt cold, frighteningly cold, his blood turned to ice.

Out of nowhere came the thought that he might not be alright after all.

And just as he finally lost the grip onto consciousness, the thought crossed his mind that today might be the day he’d die.

* * *

Will smiled at the patient before him.

“Looking good, Mr. Ramirez. Your vitals are perfect. Two more days and you’ll be good to go.”

Will’s job was often tough, sometimes it was brutal. It made moments like these even more precious. It had been a long shift and he still had two hours to go, but even though he’d started the day with a somewhat uneasy feeling in his stomach, nothing extraordinarily bad had happened. Just two more hours and he could head home. He might call Jay over for the football match, too.

From the room on the fifth floor he had a perfect view onto the streets below. He let his gaze fall onto the cars and buses. A siren could be heard in the distance.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Mr. Ramirez.”

The elderly man smiled, then frowned.

“That’s quite a commotion out there, isn’t it?”

That’s when Will heard it, too. It wasn’t just one siren. He felt a pit in his stomach. Many sirens was never a good sign. Immediately his mind played out all sorts of scenarios, ranging from a school bus accident to a terrorist attack.

Don’t let it be flesh-eating bacteria again, he thought grimly.

“I gotta go,” he said to his patient and left the room. He jogged down the corridor, immediately sensing the buzzing of the ER before he even got there. Whatever it was, it was bad.

“Will! Hold up!”

He stopped abruptly and faced Natalie. Her face was pale, her eyes troubled.

“What’s going on, what happened?”

Natalie grabbed his arm. The force behind it startled him and he narrowed his eyes.

“Will, it’s… it’s Jay.”

And suddenly he was grateful for her iron grip on his arm, as for a moment the floor swayed beneath his feet and the buzzing from downstairs echoed in his ears.

_It’s Jay._

He’d heard those words before and they never failed to cause a wave of dread wash over him. But today there was something in Natalie’s voice that turned the dread into blank fear. He recalled the sirens but only now realized that it had been police cars. He knew the procedure. When a cop’s life was at stake, police cars were used to clear the way in addition to the siren and lights of the ambulance. He’d heard it before. Jay had told him they’d done it for Olinsky before he –

_Oh God, don’t let my brother die._

He realized that Natalie was talking, and he really should be listening, but all he could hear were words that only increased his panic.

_GSW. Unresponsive. Extensive blood loss._

He pulled his arm from her grip and sprinted towards the ER, skidding to a halt when he perceived the gurney that was being wheeled in. Paramedics were hurrying along, Will saw fluid bags and bloodstained gauze, and beneath a mask, bruised and pale and horribly still, his baby brother.

He didn’t know how he managed to squeeze in between the paramedics, but he did find Jay’s hand, grasping it tightly as his feet moved automatically straight towards the OR.

“It’s gonna be okay, Jay, you’ll be alright, I promise. I promise, Jay, just –“

_Don’t die on me._

“Status?”

Dr. Marcel’s voice was calm as always, a pro through and through.

“Patient is male, 34, GSW to the chest, severe blood loss, possible head trauma, multiple contusions,” a paramedic reported.

“Alright, prepare IV bags and transfusions.”

“B plus. His blood type. B plus.”

Will talked without thinking, it was just a small piece of information, not even necessary since they had more than enough of the universal blood bags in place. Rationally, he knew that. But his fingers were still curled around Jay’s hand. It was about Jay.

Dr. Marcel nodded, then froze.

“Halstead, what are you –“

“He’s my brother.”

The words rolled off his tongue as he’d spoken them a hundred times before in his life, but never before had his voice trembled the way it did. Someone placed a hand onto his shoulder. One of the assistants, he recognized the face but couldn’t name the man.

“You gotta let go.”

It took all the strength Will could muster to loosen the grip on Jay’s hand. He watched, frozen in place, as he was wheeled into the operating room. People in green, sterile clothes were setting up bags filled with red; he stared as his little brother’s limp form was lifted onto the steel table and soon was out of sight as the monitors around him came to life.

Dr. Marcel stopped before Will for a moment.

“I’ll do everything I can, Will.”

“Don’t let him die,” Will croaked, and each word sent a stab of fear through his heart. This was real. This was serious. He trusted Marcel’s skills, but he was just human. He wasn’t God. He would do all he could, but Will knew that sometimes it just wasn’t enough.

He watched Dr. Marcel enter the small room with the basins, scrubbing his hands and putting on his sterile gear before he proceeded to the OR. He couldn’t see Jay anymore, just had to trust that his brother was there, somewhere underneath green blankets and hooked up on machines.

Will felt sick.

He flinched when Natalie appeared at his side, gently placing a hand onto his lower arm.

“He’s in good hands, Will.”

He remembered the pale face, the oxygen mask, the bloody gauze and the blood-drenched shirt. He very specifically remembered the dried blood and bruises on the side of Jay’s face, and more than anything it was that memory that sent his mind reeling.

“I need to know what happened. I need to – to speak to Voight, yes, he’s gotta know. Gotta ask him why he didn’t – didn’t –“

His voice broke; he felt his eyes starting to burn and hastily wiped them with the back of his hand.

“I can’t lose him,” he whispered, throat raw and hurting as if he’d cried for hours.

“You won’t.” There was a certainty in Natalie’s voice that at least managed to stop the ground from shaking. “You can talk to Voight later. For now, you’ll sit down. You can watch the OR if you like. See for yourself that Jay’s in good hands.”

“I’m still on duty. I’ve got patients, I’ve got –“

“Will.” Natalie pulled him towards her so that he could look at her, for the first time since she’d brought him the news in the first place. “Right now, you’ve got to be there for Jay. We’ve got you covered. He’s your brother.”

Will nodded, unable to put his gratitude into words. Half of his mind was still in the room behind the door, anyway. Mechanically he allowed Natalie to guide him to the viewing room, barely registering how three med students hurriedly left as he and Natalie walked in. Through the large glass window, Will could look down onto the operating room. One of the assistants locked eyes with him and Will motioned for him to turn on the speakers.

“You sure?” Natalie inquired, a hint of worry in her voice.

And she was right to be worried, Will knew that. He’d been on this side of the OR many times; he knew the drama, the cursing and swearing, the sounds of electroshocks and alarms. He knew the victories and the failures.

But it was Jay.

He didn’t respond, only gestured at the assistant behind the glass, who nodded and pressed the button at the side of the window.

“- up to 135 bpm, bp down to 80-“

“- bullet’s still inside. Tweezers -”

“- he’s losing too much blood-“

“- nicked the damn artery -“

The words became a blur, a nightmare of letters that whirled inside Will’s head. He kept his eyes transfixed on the figure on the table; there was Jay, somewhere beneath the mask there was his brother, and he was fighting, fighting hard cause it was Jay, always a fighter.

And Will watched as he fought, hands curled into fists that he was pressing against his chin.

_Don’t die on me, Jay. Don’t leave me._


	2. He's a fighter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hank has lost too many loved ones in this damn hospital. He won't lose anyone else.  
> \---  
> Will gets a status update on Jay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It is not my intention to recite the episode, you've all watched it. I'll include the dialogue from the show when I think it fits, otherwise I'll skip it.

The waiting was the worst. Hank had buried his hands in the pockets of his jacket, fiddling with the inside lining as he shifted his gaze from his team members to the ominous door that separated the waiting area from the rest of the hospital. He’d been on this side of the door more often than anyone should have, and it didn’t get easier over time. On the contrary, it even got worse with every devastating moment he’d experienced in this hospital.

He watched as Rojas handed a cup of coffee to Hailey. It was hardest on her, he understood that. She’d known about Jay’s secret and she’d kept it, as any friend would. Still, maybe things could have gone differently if she had told him. It was a thought that he kept to himself, though. He didn’t need to blame her, not when she blamed herself as much as she already did. Jay was her partner, maybe more; Hank had his suspicions but kept them to himself.

Adam and Kevin were quiet, both lost in their own thoughts Hank supposed.

His own mind involuntarily drifted to the day they’d lost Al. It was a memory that he usually managed to keep away, a kind of hurt still so deeply engraved in his heart that even just glancing at it could break him. He could need Al right now, with his calm manner and always the right words. He’d been his rock after Justin’s death; and now Hank felt once more as if he was drowning, without anything to hold onto but the strong belief that Jay would fight through this.

This wasn’t the same as Justin.

But in some way, even though he’d never say it out loud, Jay was almost as much his son as Justin had been, and Hank didn’t want to think about the possibility of losing him.

It was his job to keep Jay safe, and he’d failed. Again.

Mechanically he returned Mouch’s brief hug when the fireman suddenly showed up before him.

“Me and the guys were nearby when Trudy called. She’ll be here as soon as she can.”

Hank just nodded absent-mindedly, his eyes again trained on the door and the hallway behind it.

Although he’d waited for it, he still felt a pit in his stomach when Will Halstead stepped into the waiting room.

Hank had been in Intelligence for many years. He could read people just by looking at them. He saw Will’s red-rimmed eyes, his slack shoulders, the way he stood as if nothing but a thin thread was keeping him upright. Hank’s heart sank. Still he made the few steps towards Will, standing beside his team as any boss in this situation should, trying his hardest to keep his composure and not let anyone see how scared he really was.

“Hey everybody,” Will said, voice kind of raw and shaking ever so slightly. It was nothing like his calm doctor’s voice; he was wearing scrubs, but he was, first and foremost, Jay’s brother. “I just talked to Dr. Marcel. He said the bullet grazed an artery, they’re still trying to repair it.”

Hank had only a vague idea of what it must have cost Will to leave the OR to give them this information. The young man was obviously trying to be distant, reporting the surgery like any other status report, but anyone could see through the act.

He almost didn’t dare to ask the question. But it was his job. It was his team, after all.

“Will? Is he going to be okay?”

It was a simple question, just yes or no, black and white; sometimes the simplest answers were the hardest to hear. Will didn’t speak for a few agonizing seconds, and when he did, his voice trembled even more.

“He’s… he’s lost a lot of blood.”

Just that. Only this statement, and it was enough to make Will avoid Hank’s gaze. Again, Hank felt his stomach clenching and unclenching itself. He tried to focus on the fact that the answer hadn’t been a clear ‘no’. In Intelligence, anything was possible as long as there was no evidence to the contrary. At the end of the day, the answer would be a clear ‘yes’, no misinterpretation, Hank decided. The alternative was not an option.

Jay was strong. He was a fighter.

He wouldn’t lose any more family in this damn hospital.

Will left without a further word, but before Hank could address his team, Kim approached him.

“I got an update on Angela Nelson.”

It was the information Hank had needed to hear. He could almost feel how his fear was replaced by anger, and he was glad. Anger was always so much easier than fear.

Today, right now, he was raging with fury.

Angela had shot Jay, and according to Hailey she hadn't been freaked out, as she should have in case of an accident. She had done it on purpose, obviously having found out the truth about Jay and West. Jay had only tried to redeem himself, to right a wrong that wasn’t even his fault to begin with. A mistake, an unfortunate series of events, misinterpretations, that had culminated in her husband’s death, and even though Jay had almost died for her, Angela had still put the blame on him and decided he didn’t deserve to live. The sheer thought made Hank’s blood boil. Jay was a good cop; he was smart, he was loyal, he followed the rules. His only fault was that he cared too much.

He didn’t tell Angela all this. She wouldn’t understand, and even if she did, she wouldn’t care.

Deep down, Hank knew that he should feel pity for her, but he couldn’t. He could barely even look at her without feeling the urge to put a bullet through her head.

“If Jay Halstead dies,” he said, and his own words made his hot blood run cold, “you’ll wish you were never born.”

And she smiled.

* * *

Will returned to the OR as quickly as he could. He almost tripped and fell as he ran, then skidded to a halt in front of the glass panel in the auditorium.

He had a clear view of Jay, and it was a sight that made his stomach lurch and terror grip his heart. 

Jay wasn’t supposed to look like this. He seemed so much smaller in there, younger; but even as a boy Jay had never been sick. He’d been indestructible, larger than life, always beating the odds. Bulletproof, they’d joked, until they’d learned that he wasn’t.

The doctors on the other side of the glass were studying the monitors, gesturing and talking, though Will couldn’t hear them anymore. He knocked on the glass. Everyone inside looked up and Dr. Marcel gave him a look that Will knew boded ill.

The surgeon headed for the exit and gestured at Will to meet him. The young man hurriedly obliged, although part of him was dreading what he might hear. He glanced once more at the monitors – Jay was alive. He was going to be okay.

“What’s the status?” he asked Crockett, trying his best to keep his composure.

“We removed the bullet and fixed the artery. He lost a lot of blood, and I’m not gonna lie, it was a little touch and go for a moment. He almost crashed once –“

“He – what?”

Will’s unsteady legs almost buckled, and he ran his hands through his hair just to hide their shaking. He’d just been gone for five minutes.

_I almost lost him, and I wasn’t even there._

“We got him, Halstead. He’s tough, your brother.”

“But?”

Dr. Marcel pressed his lips together, a sure sign that he didn’t like what he had to say. It was a small gesture that made Will's stomach churn. Jay was going to be fine. Anything else just wasn’t an option.

“The bullet came from an upward angle into the chest and shoulder, so we’re facing not only the ruptured artery but also muscle damage. Of course he’s lucky that the bullet didn't hit the bone.”

Lucky bastard. Will choked down the lump forming in his throat.

“Let’s be real, Marcel. Are we talking permanent impairment?”

The slight shrug of the surgeon did nothing to appease Will’s worry. He knew, rationally, that it was too early to tell, and Dr. Marcel was right not to make assumptions or give false hope.

“It’s not the shoulder that troubles me,” said Dr. Marcel, his face even more serious than before. “It’s the head trauma I’m worried about. I already ordered a CT so we’ll soon know more. He’s got a rather severe wound at the back of his head that must have bled pretty much, and more bruising along his jaw and the side of the head. His wrists are chafed. Will, do you know what happened?”

Will felt sick. He shook his head, no, he did not know, he hadn’t asked because his brother had been _dying_. He might still die, he realized now, he could tell from the way Marcel looked at him and even more from the way his gut told him.

“Can I see him?” he asked, voice thick and hurting in his throat.

“CT’s in ten minutes.”

It was enough. Again, Will found himself walking beside the hospital bed as it was rolled down the hallway, again holding Jay’s hand and deliberately not looking at the red marks on his wrists. It was a sight that made him furious; someone had done this to his baby brother, and they’d pay. One way or the other. 

“You hang in there, Jay, okay?” he whispered and squeezed his brother’s hand.

But Jay didn’t stir, didn’t even blink. His left eye was swollen shut and beneath the nasal cannula there was a distinct pattern of violet and red. Some small cuts had been cleaned, but there was still some dried blood at his hairline and his right ear, so insignificant compared to the rest, but in combination with the bruising at Jay’s wrists it made Will’s eyes start to burn as his imagination was running wild.

They reached the laboratory without complications along the way. The radiologist was already expecting them, nodding at Will in sympathy. Everyone at Med knew that Jay was his brother. He’d been here so often, mostly on duty, but more often than Will liked as a patient, too. It was just so typically Jay, always a little careless when it came to his own well-being, never one to take the easy way out.

It was hard to let go of Jay’s hand. Will watched nervously as the CT scan was carried out, flinching when suddenly Natalie appeared at his side again.

“How’s he holding up?”

“He’s a fighter.”

It was the same sentence that he told himself over and over again. It was a simple truth that he had to hold onto, so he did, even when the scan results were placed before him and Natalie silently squeezed his shoulder.

“I can’t lose him,” he said, clenching his fists and staring at the black and white image so hard that his eyes started to burn. “I _won’t_ lose him.”


	3. A good man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vanessa understands why this is hardest on Hailey. Hailey gets comfort from a stranger.

Vanessa dropped the bag of clothes at Hailey’s feet and gave her teammate a small smile. The blonde looked terrible. Her eyes were red-rimmed and swollen, and as she fumbled with the hem of her sleeve Vanessa could see the blood beneath her fingernails. Not just anyone’s blood, she corrected herself. Jay’s.

“Have you heard anything about Jay?” she asked tentatively, although she could already guess the answer.

“No.” Hailey shook her head. Vanessa had never heard her voice tremble like this before. “He’s gonna freak out when he wakes up. The man hates needles.”

Vanessa couldn’t suppress a little chuckle. It was such a random fact, one that she never would have associated with the detective. She was still new to the team, still trying to figure them all out, and some were harder to read than others.

Jay Halstead was a tough guy on the outside, but also sensitive and caring, she’d realized that during the whole drama about Marcus West. The needle phobia was unexpected, though.

“I can’t figure him out. He’s the first one through the door, a war vet, and he’d rather take a bullet than get a flu shot,” Hailey explained, looking straight ahead and voicing Vanessa’s own thoughts. She had a notion, though, that Hailey knew her partner much better than she thought. She could see it in the way her eyes became just that little bit brighter, her mouth not pressed as tightly as an almost invisible smile played at her lips. Hailey might not see it, but she was different when she was with Jay. Softer, happier. Just talking about him did that to her, and Vanessa didn’t even want to imagine a scenario in which she would lose that.

“Hailey,” she said, “I know how hard this must be for you.”

“It’s always hard when something like this happens.”

But some cases were harder than others.

“It’s hard because you love him.”

It was a simple as that. Apparently no one had ever said it aloud, but Vanesa was sure that she wasn’t the only one who saw it. It was almost comical to witness Hailey’s reaction, the millisecond in which her eyes widened and her cheeks reddened. She probably didn’t even notice it herself.

“Of course I love him. He’s my partner,” Hailey stated matter-of-factly.

_You wouldn’t spend the night here if it was Voight._

It wasn’t about a partner. But just as Vanessa wondered if this was the right place and time for such a conversation, her phone rang. Maybe it was better this way. She and Hailey were colleagues, they got along well, but they weren’t as close as they should be in order to share something like this.

She answered the call and gave a short-sentenced status report to Hailey. It didn’t come as a surprise when the other woman decided to stay at the hospital.

* * *

Hailey watched Vanessa leave, then exhaled rather shakily and opened the plastic bag. For a moment, she felt warmth spread through her body that had nothing to do with the heating in the waiting room. She hadn’t even thought about food, let alone clean clothes, and she appreciated Vanessa’s gesture more than she could say. She was grateful for the way her teammates cared for her, covered for her at the station and didn’t even try to pester her with well-meant, empty words.

_It’s hard because you love him._

It was ridiculous. She didn’t love Jay, not in the way Rojas had implied. It would screw up everything if she did, and so she didn’t.

Simple as that.

He was a perfect partner, a skilled cop who always had her back, someone she could trust blindly. That’s why she hated it when Hank assigned her to someone else. It wasn’t because she didn’t like the rest of the team. She loved each and every one of them. But with Jay, everything was easy. Although there were many things she didn’t know about him, she still knew enough; there was a kind of trust between them that she didn’t have with the rest.

_I trusted him to do the right thing about Angela, and I screwed up._

Could things have gone differently if she had confided in Voight? If she had just been more persistent with Jay when she’d told him to let it go? The questions were repeating themselves in her head, drowned out only by the recurring echo of Voight’s question and Will’s frightening silence.

_Is he going to be okay?_

Of course he would be okay. It was Jay; Jay who was bulletproof, who’d survived so many bad situations, he was going to be alright. Anything else just wasn’t an option. As much as she tried, Hailey couldn’t imagine a life without her partner. The moment she attempted to picture it, she could feel her heart racing, her stomach clenching.

_It’s hard because you love him._

She wanted to bury her hands in her pockets, but froze when she touched the stiff fabric. Blood had dried where she’d wiped off her hands back the factory, when the paramedics had taken over and asked her to step away. When she closed her eyes, she could still see the blood; she could feel it warm beneath her palm, she could hear Jay’s labored breathing, his incoherent mumbling, she could see the naked fear in his eyes as the oxygen mask was placed onto his bruised face.

Hailey rubbed her fingers against the fabric and felt flocks of dried blood falling away. Bile rose in her throat, and suddenly she wanted nothing more than to change into fresh clothes. She turned her head towards an elderly woman in the seat next to hers.

“Would you mind… would you reserve this seat for me? I’ll be right back.”

The woman took one look at her badge and nodded.

“Sure thing, Officer.”

Hailey grabbed the bag that Vanessa had left and headed for the toilets. She squeezed into one of the stalls, locked the door and started to undress. She hadn’t been aware of just how much blood there was; it was on her jeans, the sleeve of her jacket, it made her nauseous and she all but stumbled out of the stall as soon as she’d put on the sports pants and sweater. She stood at the sink, trying to ease her breathing and swallow down the lump in her throat.

The woman in the mirror looked almost as terrible as Hailey felt.

She washed her hands, wincing as the hot water burned her skin, but she let it flow, watching almost mesmerized as the red flowing into the sink eventually turned to pink and then cleared. The blood beneath her fingernails didn’t want to get off, though, and Hailey could feel the panic rise as she failed to get rid of it.

I can’t keep it, it’s Jay’s, she thought and laughed about her own ridiculousness, Jay didn’t need it, it had run dry.

God, she had to keep it together.

She wiped the back of her hand across her eyes, taking a shuddering breath as her hand came away wet. She stared at her reflection in the mirror, trying in vain to banish Voight’s and Will’s voices and the image of Jay’s bloodied body from her mind. The door opened and Hailey quickly splashed cold water into her face as she recognized the woman who’d come in as the one from the waiting room.

“Long day,” Hailey said as their gazes met in the mirror and forced herself to a smile.

She was a cop. She wouldn’t let anyone see her cry, least of all a stranger.

“You’ve been gone for 15 minutes. Are you okay, Miss?”

“Yeah.”

Had it really been 15 minutes? A lot could happen in 15 minutes; what if someone had come with news, what if Jay had woken up from surgery, what if he’d – no. Her chin started to tremble. She flinched when the woman put a hand onto her shoulder. It was such a simple gesture, a small reminder that there were good people, too, and it made Hailey think how different the day could have gone if Angela Nelson had been a little bit kinder and a little less devastated.

“Whatever happened, it’s gonna be okay.”

“You don’t know that,” Hailey replied and felt her eyes burning again.

_Keep it together, Upton._

“I know that God is always watching over us.”

“I’m not exactly what you’d call a believer.”

“Well, I couldn’t help but overhear your conversation with that other cop, the one with the fancy hair.”

A low chuckle escaped Hailey’s lips that ended as a choked sob.

“It is my belief that God will always look after the good people. And he sounds like a good man, your partner.”

“He is.”

Jay _was_ good. More than others, certainly more than Hailey herself.

“It’s just not fair,” she mumbled, “he didn’t deserve this. He’s done so much and cares so much and it’s just –“

Her voice broke a little, and to her horror she felt tears rolling down her cheeks.

“If he dies, I don’t know what I’ll – _we_ ’ll do without him.”

She didn’t know that woman. She didn’t have to be strong for her, she’d never see her again.

“I can’t bear the thought that he might die. He might die, and he’ll be gone, and he won’t know that he’s so – _so_ loved.”

“He knows.” The woman looked over her shoulder and her eyes met Hailey’s in the mirror. “Someone cares about you that much, you feel it. Believe me, he knows.”

There was something in her confidence that made Hailey nod automatically. She wiped her eyes once more and took another shuddering breath that did nothing to ease the tight feeling in her chest. Inhale, exhale, repeat.

Her phone rang. Voight. The woman retreated, not without pressing Hailey’s shoulder lightly and placing a box of tissues before her. Thank you, Hailey mouthed as she picked up the phone.

“Any news on Jay?”

It was time to be tough again. She’d had partners injured on the job before. It happened all the time.

“Nothing new. But no news is good news, right? I’ll keep you updated.”

When she hung up the phone, she could still see blood beneath her fingernails.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "He is so- so loved." --> Inspired by Ziva's "Tony, you are so loved." (NCIS)  
> "He knows." --> inspired by Wanda and Clint in Avengers: Endgame. 
> 
> I love Hailey, and how she fights so hard against her feelings for her partner. Been there, done that...  
> Next chapter will feature Will again :)


	4. Protect him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trying to protect Jay Halstead is never easy, and sometimes the best intentions come with dire consequences.

As soon as the glass door closed, Will took Jay’s hand again. He did that a lot lately, he realized. He felt as if it was a lifeline, an anchor, something to guide his brother home while he was lost in the dark.

“You come back to me, Jay. You better come back to me.”

He’d give anything to hear Jay respond, just eye contact would be enough. But Jay, stubborn as he was, remained still. It broke Will’s heart to see him like that; he could barely look at the various cannulas, IV lines, wires and, worst of all, the plastic tube of the ventilator. The machines were beeping steadily in the background, diagrams and numbers flickered on the monitors, and the doctor part of Will registered them all, ready to act as soon as anything changed for worse.

The other part of him, the part that was Jay’s older brother, couldn’t look at the technology around them without feeling sick.

The CT had confirmed the suspicions of a cerebral edema. A head trauma as severe as Jay’s wouldn’t heal by itself; if the brain was swelling as a result of blunt force trauma, it pressed against the brain stem, impairing awareness and arousal, which was the reason for Jay’s unresponsive state. Therefore, the major concern was the swelling of the brain tissue. For now, they’d decided on oxygen therapy and medication to help his brain recover and prevent further damage.

If that failed, surgery was the second option.

It was an option that Will didn’t really want to think about. Seeing Jay once on the operating table had been enough and he didn’t know how he could possibly go through it again.

“Just get better, okay?” he whispered and squeezed Jay’s hand. He watched the steady rise and fall of his chest and ran his free hand through his brother’s hair. He’d never noticed before how dark it had become compared to his own fiery red hair. It formed a stark contrast to the white face on which the innumerable freckles stood out as almost black spots. At least they still had that in common, no matter how much they’d changed. As kids, they’d looked almost identical.

It seemed so long ago, and yet Will had never quite lost that overwhelming urge to protect his brother.

Of course, he’d failed more often than he dared to admit. He hadn’t been able to protect him from losing his mother, hadn’t been there for him the way he should have when things between Jay and their dad had become more and more difficult, he could have done so much more during all those awful months after his first tour, and he hadn’t been able to protect him from all the shit he’d gone through with the police.

Gently, Will ran a finger down the side of Jay’s face, careful not to jostle the tubes as his fingertips lingered on the bruised skin.

“What happened, Jay? Maybe I don’t want to know. Maybe I feel safer if I don’t know. You scare the hell out of me, Jay, whenever you show up here. Whenever someone mentions your name in these halls, I freeze for a second, did you know that?”

Will choked on the lump in his throat. Memories flooded his mind of all the times Jay had been to Med, and none of these memories was good. So many deaths that he blamed himself for, so many last goodbyes, and way too many close encounters with Death that his brother had barely managed to escape.

None of it had ever stopped Jay from going on. After everything he’d gone through, he was still the first through the door, the first one to take fire, the last to back down. At 34, he’d been through more than most men went through in a lifetime, and still he soldiered on for those he loved.

_If anyone deserves to live, it’s you. More than anyone, you deserve to live._

A vibrating sound made Will flinch. For a moment he thought one of the machines had given an alarm, and his heartbeat quickened as he scanned the monitors. But everything looked normal and he realized that it had been Jay’s phone.

Someone – probably Voight – had left it for Will at the front desk of the hospital, and not long ago one of the nurses had given it to him and he’d forgotten about it until now.

He took one look at the lockscreen. Numerous missed calls and messages, the most recent one from Mouse.

‘I’m worried, Jay. I’m back at Lewis, call me an[…]’

An uneasy feeling spread in Will’s stomach. He should have known that Jay and his best friend were still in touch, but there was something about that message that Will couldn’t quite put his finger on. Out of Jay and Mouse, it was usually his brother who worried, not the other way round.

After quick reconsideration, Will unlocked the phone. It was almost funny how easy it was, seeing that Jay was a cop and should really be more aware of security.

“Mom’s birthday, huh? Not very creative, man.”

He didn’t want to read his brother’s private messages, but he couldn’t shake off the bad feeling. So he opened only the first one after registering the 17 missed calls from Hailey, Adam, Voight and Kim.

‘I’m worried, Jay. I’m back at Lewis, call me anytime you want. Hailey’s right, A’s none of your business. Let go. Call me.’

Will stared at the short message for a long time, barely resisting the temptation to read the other messages, too. It was private, but he had a growing suspicion that there was a direct link between this message and the fact that his brother was currently fighting for his life. 

“Damnit Jay… that’s not good.”

Will turned the phone in his hand for a few seconds before he pulled out his own. He needed answers, and he was done waiting. Voight was supposed to look out for his brother, and he hadn’t done his job. Will had to know why.

* * *

Adam stared at the board, trying his hardest to focus on the case mapped out before him. Every now and then his mind drifted away, though, and he found himself thinking that maybe, just this once, the case could wait. Before his inner eye he saw the doors of the ambulance closing, blocking Jay from his view. He couldn’t help thinking that it might have been the last time he’d seen him.

It was, of course, a stupid thought, one that he should never, ever allow to enter his mind. They’d gotten Jay out, and he’d be alright.

As he turned his head, he found Kevin looking at him from across the room. Adam forced himself to a smile, but he knew that Kevin could see right through his act. And the other man was carrying the same worried expression. The atmosphere was tense; an eerie silence hung in the room, broken only when someone shared a new piece of information. The absence of both Jay and Hailey made the room so much emptier, and the worry about Jay was an omnipresent ghost lingering in the air. Everyone was walking on pins and needles, constantly anticipating a call, hoping for the best and fearing the worst. It seemed like forever since Voight had talked to Hailey.

Kim cleared her throat.

“I think we should –“

A phone went off.

Everyone looked at their boss, who inhaled visibly before he reached into his pocket, fetched the ringing phone and lifted it to his ear.

“Voight,” he answered, then, “Hello, Will.”

Adam flinched when Kim suddenly stood beside him. Without thinking he took her hand and squeezed lightly, never taking his eyes off Hank.

“Thank you for the update. If anything changes, you call, okay? Have you spoken to Hailey? She’s still there, she’s – wait, hold up, listen, what are you talking about, I didn’t send him – listen to me, Will!”

Hank clenched his fist and pressed his mouth to a thin line, and even from his position Adam could see him clenching his jaw as he listened to the voice on the other end of the phone.

“Mouse was talking about a woman. Jay got close to her – no, not like that – it’s complicated, alright? He got too close, she got into it with the wrong people, and Jay got caught in the crossfire.”

That wasn’t even half of the truth, and everyone in the room knew it.

“They were held captive, and when things went South, she got hold of a gun and accidentally shot him. We didn’t get there in time, and for that I’m sorry. Believe me, if I could –“

Hank stopped mid-sentence, glanced at the screen and put his phone back into his pocket. He seemed angry, but beneath the anger there was something else, too. If Adam didn’t know any better, he’d say it was guilt.

“How is he?” Kim asked quietly. “How’s Jay?”

“They fixed the shoulder and he’s out of surgery.” He paused and took a deep breath. “He’s in the ICU. He’s still unresponsive and CT scan showed sign of brain swelling. They must have hit him hard.”

Adam felt sick. He remembered, all too vividly, the images of Jay being beaten all those years ago due to a drug bust gone wrong. To this day, he hadn’t forgotten how helpless he’d felt back then, but at least then they’d been able to do _something_. Now, all they could do was wait.

“Did Will ask you about Angela?” Kevin asked, arms crossed before his chest. “You lied to him. Why?”

It was a very blunt question and for a moment Adam thought that their boss wouldn’t even give him an answer.

“Yes, I lied. Angela wants to take Halstead down, one way or the other. She wants to go public. I don’t intend to let that happen.”

“Sarge?”

“I’ll get her silence. The fewer people know what happened between Jay and Marcus, the better. No need to get Will Halstead involved.”

Kim opened her mouth to say something, but Hank raised his hand.

“Enough of that matter.”

It was so typical of Voight, and suddenly Adam couldn’t bear to look at him without feeling the urge to punch him in the face. Abruptly he turned on his heel, grabbed his jacket and headed for the stairs. He didn’t look back. He had to get out before he said anything rash. It never did him any good, after all.

“Adam, wait!”

He could hear Kevin jogging after him, but he didn’t stop until he found himself in the locker room. He sank down on the bench, propped his elbows up on his knees and buried his face in his hands.

“He’s gonna be alright.”

Adam shook his head and forced himself to take even breaths before he lifted his head to look at Kevin.

“You don’t know that. He’s in the fucking ICU, Kev. And I’m sick of it, man, why does he keep doing that? Fucking _idiot_ , he shouldn’t have – shouldn’t – damnit.”

He took another shuddering breath and clenched his fists.

“This is on Voight. Voight and Crawford. If they hadn’t worked out this grand scheme of covering up this whole mess –“

“Voight wanted to protect Jay,” Kevin said, but Adam could hear that he didn’t really mean his own words.

“Protect Jay, or rather protect the image of the CPD? Come on Kev, you of all people should know that the truth would have been a political disaster. Black man dies in jail, white cop put him there under false assumptions, all under the authority of Crawford, who wouldn’t blink twice to sacrifice any of us for his own benefit – no, it wasn’t about saving Jay’s ass, it was all about saving theirs.”

Kevin sat down beside him and sighed.

“Look, I’m not saying you’re wrong about Crawford. But Voight… he cares about Jay a lot. More than he cares about you and me I guess. He did it for Jay. Doesn’t mean it was the right thing to do, but for Voight it was the only logical thing to do.” He ran a hand through his hair. “Everyone screwed up. Voight, Crawford, Jay, Hailey – Hell, _we_ should have noticed that something was up. We’ve known Jay for so long, we should have known that he wouldn’t be able to let go of something like this.”

It was a truth that Adam didn’t like to hear. Kevin always had a way of putting things into perspective, and it wasn’t often easy to digest. He was right, of course. They should have noticed, because it was Jay. Jay who always cared a little too much and sometimes seemed to carry the whole world on his shoulders.

He was a good man, but unfortunately bad things had a tendency to happen to good people. It came with the job description, they all knew that. It was just something they all liked to forget about most of the time. Maybe it was some sort of self-protection, Adam thought. A mechanism to cope with the ever-present danger they put themselves an, something to make sure they kept going; a protection that crumbled when the one bleeding was one of their own.

“Are you going to be okay?”

_What’s gonna become of my child if next time it’s me?_

The thought came so unexpectedly that Adam nearly missed Kevin’s question. He flinched when his partner put a hand onto his shoulder. In that moment he wanted nothing more than to tell him about Kim and the baby, just to get some reassurance that he worried for nothing. He shouldn’t think like that; right now, all that mattered was Jay and nothing else. He had a whole life as a father before him and plenty of time to worry about himself later.

_Oh God, I’m going to be a father._

“Adam?”

“Yeah, I’ll be… okay. We should probably get back to work.”

They returned to their desks and picked up where they’d left off. Voight didn’t speak of his disappearance, and Adam didn’t mention Angela Nelson again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I believe that the whole team knows what happened with West and Prophet and consequently Adam knew that Voight was hiding the truth from Will.  
> I'm still no medical expert, I just did some Google research on head traumas, so forgive any inaccuracies.  
> I miss Mouse.


	5. Rest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe Jay is doing it on purpose, just to see Will suffer from an aching back after yet another night sleeping in a hospital chair. It's a cruel joke, though, and not funny at all. - Hailey gets to visit the ICU and Will spends the night by Jay's side.

Will couldn’t say that the conversation with Voight had eased his anger at his brother’s boss. He still didn’t understand how he could have let something like that happen. And the man had this way of talking that drove Will insane, that calm, yet determined voice that very clearly told him that he shouldn’t ask any more questions. Will had hung up the phone mid-sentence; he had more important things to do than listening to Hank Voight’s excuses.

He returned to Jay’s room where a nurse was currently adjusting the IV on her patient’s arm.

“How’s he holding up?”

“Unchanged, Doctor,” she said and threw Will an encouraging look. “Don’t worry, he will be alright soon enough.”

Will looked down onto his brother’s prone form, then checked his vitals on the monitor. He scolded himself for his foolish thoughts that somehow Jay would be up and awake once he got back from his conversation with Voight. Things like this needed time.

“He’s too stubborn to die,” he replied and brushed Jay’s hand lightly. “He’s a Halstead.”

The nurse chuckled and changed the IV bag that was supplying the patient with nutrients.

“His colleagues must be worried.”

_Hailey. Damnit._

He had completely forgotten that Hailey was still waiting.

“Can you keep an eye on him? I’ll be back in ten minutes.”

“Of course, Doctor. Take all the time you need.”

After one last look at his brother Will hurried down the hallway and towards the waiting area. The area had cleared and he spotted her immediately. She seemed to have dozed off, but as soon as Will called her name she was startled awake and her eyes widened as she spotted him.

“How is he?”

The fear was so visibly etched on her face that it broke Will’s heart knowing that he couldn’t give her better news.

“Surgery went well. We had to transfer him to the ICU, his CT scan showed signs of brain swelling so he needs to be monitored. He’s been given medication to keep him stabilized.”

Hailey inhaled deeply and wrung her hands.

“What’s the prognosis?”

“The next 48 hours are crucial. If we don’t see an improvement, we might have to consider surgery. Just as a last option, I don’t think it’ll be necessary.”

It was something Will didn’t even want to think about.

He gave his best to sound confident, for Hailey and for himself. He could see Hailey’s chin trembling and instinctively he sat down next to her and put a hand onto her lower arm.

“Jay’s strong. He’s a fighter, he’ll pull through.”

“You can’t promise that, though, can you?” Hailey asked miserably.

“I can promise you that everyone in this hospital will do everything to help him. Maybe this has to be enough." He hesitated, then proceeded to ask, “Were you the one who got him out?”

She shook her head and smiled almost invisibly.

“He did it all by himself. I don’t even know how he freed himself, but by the time I got in, he had already taken out both kidnappers. He was barely standing when I found him and he still only cared about Angela. And then she –“

“She shot him?”

“Yeah.”

Hailey was silent for a moment. Will couldn’t help but picture his little brother, high on adrenaline, charging at armed men just to save his friend. It made him proud, but also inherently angry. Jay shouldn’t have been in that situation in the first place. He shouldn’t always be the one with his life on the line.

“I’ve got to get back,” he said, suddenly feeling a little uneasy.

“Can I… can I see him?” Hailey asked pleadingly.

It was hospital policy to only allow close family into the ICU. The right answer would be a clear ‘no’. But somehow Will couldn’t bring himself to say it, not when Hailey looked at him like that.

The CPD was Jay’s family, after all.

“Five minutes,” he said. “Come with me.”

Will led the way to the ICU, while Hailey kept her head low until they reached Jay’s room. The nurse took one look at Hailey, then Will, who just raised his eyebrows and mouthed, “Police.”

Hailey didn’t even seem to notice the exchange. By the time Will’s attention was back on her and Jay, she had already sat down on the chair next to the bed.

“Hey, Jay,” she mumbled and put a hand onto his arm. “It’s me. It’s Hailey.”

She turned her head and looked at Will. Even from a few feet away he could see she’d been crying. He found himself thinking that it was weirdly comforting to know that his brother had friends who cared about him as much as she did.

“Do you think he can hear me?” she asked.

“I think he knows you’re here,” Will replied honestly. “When people wake up from a coma, they sometimes say that they felt the presence of someone, even though they couldn’t hear distinct words.”

Hailey nodded solemnly and turned her gaze back at Jay.

“You’ve got to get better, Jay,” she said in a low voice and gently ran her hand down Jay’s arm until her fingers found his hand. Gently she brushed her thumb against the back of his hand. “Take all the time you need, but please… come back to us. We need you here. Please.”

Will wished he could give her some privacy. He had a notion that there was more to her words than she let on. But he couldn’t leave her alone with Jay, not when she shouldn’t have stepped into the ICU in the first place. He cleared his throat.

“I don’t mean to be rude, but –“

“It’s okay.”

It very clearly wasn’t.

“Do you need a cab?” Will asked as Hailey got up to her feet, taking her time to break contact with Jay.

“I’ll manage,” she said and squared her shoulders. “It’s not far.”

Another bluff.

“Get some sleep, Hailey. I promise I’ll call you if anything changes.”

Hailey nodded and, after one last look at Jay and mumbled words that Will couldn’t understand, she made her way to the door.

“Take care, Will. Look out for him.”

“Always.”

He watched her as she slowly walked down the hallway, keeping his eyes on her until she disappeared from sight, before he turned back to his brother. Suddenly he felt tired. He’d lost all track of time and groaned when he checked his watch.

“We missed the match, little brother.”

The hospital had become quiet. 11 pm was always a rather peaceful time. Even in the ER it was the quiet between two storms, the uneventful period between the rush hour accidents and the first bar fights. Will slumped into the chair next to Jay’s bed and tried to get comfortable. It wasn’t the first time he’d spent the night in one of these chairs, but somehow he always woke up with an aching back and more tired than before.

“This might make it better.”

Natalie appeared in the doorway, carrying what Will identified as one of the hospital blankets. He sighed in relief.

“You’re an angel,” he exclaimed and rose from his position. He fetched the blanket from her, placed it onto the chair and gave her a lopsided smile. “I’m too old for this, you know? I think that’s why he’s doing this. Just to annoy me.”

“Will –“

“He’s gonna be okay. He’s looking better as we speak.”

“How are _you_ feeling?”

The question caught him by surprise. Nobody had asked him this before, not in a long time. He wanted to say he was fine, but when he opened his mouth to speak he found that he couldn’t bring himself to lie.

“I’m worried,” he admitted, then corrected himself, “and by worried, I mean scared.”

He crossed his arms before his chest and glanced down at Jay’s still form on the bed.

“These things just keep happening and I hate it. I know it’s his job, and I’m so damn proud of him, but… it’s still hard, you know? I still remember the last time, how I thought to myself, what if next time he’s not so lucky? And look at us now. He’s my little brother, and I can never keep him safe.”

He took a shaky breath and made a few steps through the room, stopping at the monitor and reading the numbers that proved his brother was alive. When he went back to where Natalie was standing, she took him by the wrist.

“It is _not_ your job to keep him safe. You’re not kids anymore, Will. You can be there for him, you can support him, listen to him, but he _chose_ that job. He chose to put his life on the line. He’s a cop, and he’s good at it, but his safety on the job is not your responsibility. Don’t put that burden on yourself.”

“That’s easier said than done.”

“I know.” She put a hand onto his shoulder and smiled. “Jay’s lucky to have you as his brother.”

The words affected Will more than he’d thought.

“Thanks,” he replied, throat suddenly constricted. Not for the first time he asked himself how he deserved Natalie’s friendship.

Natalie let go of his hand.

“He’s looking better,” she said, gesturing at Jay. “He’ll pull through, Will. He just needs rest, as do you. It’ll all be better tomorrow.”

With that she left, and Will found himself back in the uncomfortable chair, pulling the blanket up to his chest. He glanced at his brother again, once more checking his vitals and letting his gaze rest on his face for a while. He searched for any sign of awakening, small movements, twitching, but Jay didn’t do him the favor.

“I’ll try to get some sleep, Jay,” he whispered. “The night nurses will keep an eye on you, so don’t do anything stupid. Get some more rest, and then I’ll see you in the morning, okay?”

One night of rest would be okay. Maybe Natalie was right, maybe things would be better in the morning. He watched his brother for a few more minutes until he lost the fight against the tiredness and closed his eyes. He listened to the beeping of the machines, the background noise of the ventilator, until the noises faded and he drifted into sleep.

* * *

Will woke in the early hours of the morning. He stretched, still slightly disoriented, wincing as the movement sent a stabbing pain down his back, and then he remembered.

_Jay’s hurt._

Alertness returned immediately, and Will leant forward to get a good look at his brother. The bruises on his face looked a little less prominent, he thought, but it made the dark circles under Jay’s eyes stand out even more. He was still ghostly pale, but his skin was warm to the touch.

“It’s morning. You can wake up now, alright?”

He could have sworn that he saw Jay’s finger twitch, but when he took his hand and squeezed it, no movement came in return.

The door opened and Maggie came in, followed by Dr. Marcel. The nurse greeted Will with a smile.

“Slept okay, Doctor Halstead?” she asked and winked at him.

Will caught a glimpse of his reflection in the window and huffed. He looked even worse than he felt, with his hair sticking out in all directions and the shadows under his eyes matching his brother’s. He wasn’t even sure if he’d slept at all. He’d been lost in some dreams that he couldn’t remember, except for the fact that they hadn’t been good, and once again he envied his brother who could sleep anywhere, anytime, thanks to the Army.

Except for the times, of course, when he couldn’t sleep at all, thanks to the Army.

Will stepped aside when Dr. Marcel approached the bed. The surgeon carefully pulled back the blanket, hospital gown and finally the sterile gauze that covered Jay’s left shoulder. Will could see the round mark where the bullet had pierced the skin, a small red circle and black stitches.

“Sutures look good. No sign of infection,” Dr. Marcel stated and Maggie took notes. “Temperature?”

“99.7.”

“Slightly elevated, but no need to be concerned.”

Will nodded and watched as Maggie changed the IV lines. He couldn’t help thinking that Jay would freak out if he could watch himself. He hated needles with a passion, though Will didn’t know why. Crockett continued his examination, prescribing more antibiotics as well as medication to help with the head injury. Will registered everything he said, trying to see Jay through the eyes of a doctor rather than a brother. From a medical point of view, Jay was a good patient. His vitals were satisfactory, the shoulder wound was already healing well, as Crockett confirmed before he covered it up with a fresh set of gauze, and there was no indication that Jay’s recovery shouldn’t proceed according to textbooks.

But Will knew that there was always an off-chance that things might change for worse, and he couldn’t shake off the feeling that things were going too smoothly.

“How long till we can expect him to wake up?”

“Give him 12 more hours, then we’ll see. We’ll reduce the medication gradually, that might be enough to get him back even earlier.” Dr. Marcel patted Will’s shoulder. “He’s doing great, Will. He’ll be alright.”

“Yeah.”

Of course he was doing great. It was Jay, larger-than-life and bulletproof; he’d come out on the other side and laugh about Will’s worries.

“I need to check on my other patients, but let me know if you need anything.”

_Patients. Crap._

“I better get ready for my shift,” Will said, barely stifling a yawn.

“Are you sure? As far as I know the others have already set up a plan to cover for you.”

Will hadn’t expected that. A warm feeling spread in his chest and he found himself smiling despite his worry.

“It’s okay, I’ll manage,” he replied and glanced at Jay again. He didn’t like the idea of leaving Jay alone, but maybe it was the distraction he needed. “If anything changes here, I won’t be far away.”

The other doctor nodded approvingly and, after one last look at Jay’s chart, left the room to head over to the next one. Maggie cleared her throat and raised her eyebrows at Will.

“I have to change the catheter now. I know he’s your brother, so nothing you haven’t seen before, but I still assume you won’t want to watch?”

“I’ll pass,” Will groaned, feeling slightly embarrassed by his own discomfort. “Just let me know asap if anything changes, okay?”

“Sure.”

Will placed his hand onto Jay’s good shoulder and gave him a slight squeeze. 

“Hang in there, buddy.”

It was 7 am when he put on his coat and made his way to Mr. Ramirez’s room.

Twelve hours. He could do that.


	6. Come back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “No more lies,” Will grumbled, walking a few steps away from Angela Nelson’s room and the officer, phone pressed against his ear. “Come on, answer –“  
> And in that moment, his pager rang.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can't believe it's been a whole week, I'm so sorry! Real life is a pain in the *** right now.

Will downed a cup of coffee and, for the hundredth time, checked if his pager was working correctly. It was stupid, of course, he knew it was working perfectly. Still he couldn’t quite shake the fear that he might miss an update on Jay. Working was good as it kept him distracted, but every time his pager beeped his heartbeat quickened and all kinds of scenarios raced through his mind.

He allowed himself to take a few minutes of rest. He looked out of the window of the coffee room, watching an ambulance take off, and told himself to be patient. Jay was going to be fine.

“…woman who shot the cop.”

“Why’s the police standing guard, I thought it was – oh, hello Dr. Halstead.”

Two young nurses had entered the room, and their conversation had alerted Will immediately. He turned around to face them and nodded courtly.

“What’s up with the woman?” he asked, trying to sound calmer than he felt. Somehow, he hadn’t even thought about that mysterious woman who’d almost killed his brother. She must have been injured, too, he realized.

“Her name’s Angela Nelson,” replied one nurse, a brunette, looking a little bit uneasy as her gaze fell onto Will’s name tag. “Did nobody tell you?”

“Apparently, no. Who’s treating her?”

“Don’t know. There’s police in front of the door.”

It made sense, Will thought. If she had rubbed the wrong people the wrong way, she might need protection. It made him wonder if Jay needed someone, too. He should talk to Voight, surely he could arrange something –

“I heard she’s handcuffed,” piped the other nurse. “Weird, huh?”

Will felt a pit forming in his stomach. Something wasn’t right.

“Which room?”

“3.09.”

He left the rest of his coffee unfinished and hurried towards the elevator. He didn’t even know why he felt the urge to meet this woman. Maybe it would be wiser to meet her once Jay was out of the woods; she had to feel extremely guilty for accidentally shooting the man who’d tried to keep her safe.

_Handcuffed. Right._

Will reached the room and skidded to a halt in front of the very grim looking police officer before it. He didn’t recognize the man. He was none of Jay’s colleagues then.

“I need to see Mrs. Nelson.”

The officer, whose name tag identified him as Officer Gray, took one look at Will and shook his head.

“I’m sorry, Doctor.”

Will huffed and made for the door anyway, just to find the officer stepping into his way.

“Excuse me, I’m a doctor and I’m here to see a patient!” Will protested. The blinds were shut, so he couldn’t even see Angela Nelson.

“I’m under strict orders to not let anyone but her _assigned_ doctor and nurse pass.”

“She shot my brother!”

Officer Gray flinched, and for a second or two Will could see some kind of sympathy on his face.

“I know, Doctor Halstead. All the more reason not to let you in.”

“With all due respect, Officer, but that’s nonsense. I’m not going to hurt her, if that’s what you’re worried about. I just want to let her know how my brother is doing.”

He thought he could see Gray’s eyelid twitching a little.

“The shooting is still under investigation. No talking to her, police orders.”

“And whose orders, exactly?” Will snapped in frustration, although he had a pretty good idea that he already knew the answer.

“Sergeant Voight.”

Will felt the rage building up inside of him. Something was off about this whole thing; he was sick and tired of Voight’s secrets. He threw a glaring look at the officer and fetched his phone from his pocket. With two clicks he had Voight’s number on the screen. He vividly remembered the last conversation. Even then he’d had a bad feeling about this whole mess, and every new piece of information only confirmed it further.

“No more lies,” he grumbled, walking a few steps away from Angela Nelson’s room and the officer, phone pressed against his ear. “Come on, answer –“

And in that moment, his pager rang.

* * *

Smoke and sand were whirling in the air. Tiny pieces of dust and fine grains that clouded his vision; he tried to rub his eyes but it made everything worse. He couldn’t see anything but blurry shapes, and he tried to call out, but no one answered. So he stumbled forward, blindly reaching for a hand that disappeared in the sand.

He had to get away from this place, he knew that; this was Hell, and soon they’d find him. He could already smell the blood, the stench of burning flesh, the harbingers of this ever-present damnation. The smell made him sick, and he hurried to follow the blurry shapes, he mustn’t lose them in the sand or he’d be left behind. Voices filled his ears, whispers and screams, and in the background a staccato of drumbeats, a symphony of horror.

_Wait for me_ , he wanted to cry as the blurry shapes mingled with the smoke, _don’t leave me here_.

He could feel cold fingers gripping for his shoulder, the freezing cold ran through his body, turning his insides to ice and his scream froze on his lips. His limbs felt like lead and he fell when the second hand pulled at his shoulder. Maybe he should just stay there.

_You deserve this_ , three words that echoed in his head, over and over, a young girl’s voice, then a man’s, then his own.

“Come on, Jay.”

Another voice, louder than the screams; a hand, not so blurry, white and clean instead of bloody. He reached out, biting his tongue as the sharp pain spread from his shoulder like a wildfire; he tried to get off the ground, but the icy hands kept dragging him back down.

The hand before him didn’t waver.

“Come on. Come back to me, Jay!”

* * *

Will held his brother’s hand, gently stroking his fingers with his own. On the bed, Jay was squirming, eyeballs moving rapidly behind closed eyelids. He moved his lips as if he wanted to speak, but he made no sound except for an occasional low, keening noise that Will remembered only too well from all those years ago. He knew that Jay still suffered from nightmares of his time in Afghanistan, and he was well aware that an incident like this one could easily trigger them. Still, it had been some time since he’d witnessed a nightmare like this, and he’d forgotten just how much it broke his heart to see his brother go through it.

“Come back to me, Jay,” he whispered and squeezed Jay’s hand. “It’ll all be better when you wake up, I promise.”

He thought he could see Jay’s eyelids fluttering.

“That’s it, come on,” he coaxed.

“He’s doing good,” said Dr. Marcell who was standing on the other side of the bed. “Give him time, Will. It’s a miracle he’s come so far already.”

“Golden boy,” Maggie muttered with a smile. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone getting off the vent with an injury like this as quickly as he did.”

The respirator had been replaced with a nasal cannula. It still granted oxygen supply, but not as much as before. Will was grateful for the change. Seeing Jay hooked up to the ventilator had been a frightening sight; ventilators were for the critical patients, after all.

And Jay would be just fine.

Will felt Jay’s fingers moving beneath his own, pushing lightly against his palm as if he was reaching out to him. Maggie read out his vitals, but Will focused only on his brother. Jay was tossing slightly, clearly in distress, and Will took his lower arm, fearing that he might pull out his IV while waking. On the other side of the bed, Crocket was doing the same with a frown on his face.

“Do we need to take precautions?” he asked and glanced at Jay’s still bruised wrists.

“He’ll be alright,” Will said quickly. He tried to sound confident, although in truth there was a certain possibility of Jay lashing out once he woke up completely. It wouldn’t be the first time a disoriented patient became unintentionally violent. But the sheer thought of restraining his brother after everything he’d endured was enough to make Will’s stomach churn.

“Your call, Doctor,” Crocket replied with a shrug, although his hand remained in place.

Will nodded. Minutes passed by during which he never took his eyes off his brother. It occurred to Will that he probably should have told his team that he was here; they must have realized he was missing, his patients were probably waiting, but then again surely someone was already covering for him. He ought to speak to Natalie, thank her for her support, and then –

“Will.”

The voice was so low that anyone else might have missed it. But Will would recognize it anywhere.

“Hey, brother,” he answered softly, and squeezed Jay’s hand slightly when green, tired eyes looked back at him. “Welcome back.”

Jay blinked a couple of times to adjust to the light, shifting his gaze from Maggie to Crocket and then back to Will.

“’s okay,” he muttered with a raw edge to his voice, brow creased a little as he curled his fingers around Will’s, “’tis okay, Will.”

Only then Will realized that his eyes were burning; it was so typical of his brother to comfort him first, and in that moment realization washed over Will about just how close he’d come to lose him this time. Hastily he wiped his eyes with the back of his free hand.

“Yeah,” he said, sniffling a little, “it is okay. Everything’s gonna be alright now.”

Jay nodded, fatigue written all over his pale face, and then his eyelids began to drop again although he struggled to keep his eyes open.

“It’s fine,” Will assured him. “Get some more rest if you need to.”

“You stayin’?”

“I’m not going anywhere.”

Jay looked at him for a few more seconds as if he wanted to detect a lie on his face. Finally he nodded almost unnoticeably.

“Good.”

With that he closed his eyes, drifting into sleep again, and Will made good on his promise and stayed by the side of the bed. He knew he had to inform the CPD eventually, but for now, he had just one place to be. So he remained on the uncomfortable chair, waiting for his brother to open his eyes yet again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay, look who's back! Looking forward to writing some Jay angst (finally!), so I hope the next chapter won't take that long.


	7. Demons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I can't drown my demons, they know how to swim." (BMTH) - Jay is battling his demons, and Will wants nothing more than to be there for his brother. Things don't get easier when Dr. Marcel discusses the recent test results with Jay and Will.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally a longer part from Jay's POV. Jay angst, obviously.

The fog wasn’t as thick this time, the sand not burning as fiercely in his eyes. He could see his hands as he reached out, coated in blood and dripping red. He felt bile rising in his throat, and the scorching sun set his skin ablaze as he ran, always reaching for the blurry figures vanishing from sight. Other figures stepped into his path, grabbing for his arm, his shoulder; he cried out as their fingers dug into his burning skin. He recoiled in horror when the smallest figure looked at him through dark, lifeless eyes, mouth opened in a silent scream, a corpse without a face, burnt and broken.

_Drip, drip, drip._

The figure transformed before him, became larger, from the size of a child to that of a man, and more red dripped into the sand, drip, drip, _dead_.

_Your fault. Your fault. Your fault._

The voice echoed in sync with the blood drops crashing onto the ground, and each syllable sent fire through his veins and set his bones ablaze, from his shoulder to his feet.

I’m sorry, he tried to call, but blood was starting to fill his mouth; he was choking, stumbling, _dying_.

Jay woke with a gasp, hands curled to fists around the thin bedsheet. He needed a moment to remember where he was, blinking sluggishly against the light, trying to get his surroundings into focus. Hospital, right.

The image of a woman with a gun flashed before his inner eye, followed by the echo of a shot.

A sharp pain erupted in his shoulder, so fierce that it made his eyes water.

With the pain, the memories returned.

Jay glanced at his wrists, at the angry red marks that flared up as if on cue; he could almost feel the tight rope burning into his skin and the rising panic when Angela threatened to give up his identity.

_Angela._

_Marcus West._

He’d gotten him killed, an innocent man, a good father to a wonderful boy.

In that moment his brother appeared in the doorway, a cup of coffee in hand, and Jay forced himself to a smile.

“Hey.”

“Hey,” Will replied warmly. He approached the bed, and upon closer inspection Jay saw the circles around his eyes. “I promise I was just gone for two minutes. How’re you feeling?”

“I’m okay.”

He could see Will’s eyes narrowing and scolded himself. He should know by now that he couldn’t get away with such an obvious lie. Truth be told, he felt like he’d been run over by an 18-wheeler; his shoulder was throbbing, his head pounding, but worst of all was the way his stomach clenched whenever he allowed his thoughts to drift towards Angela Nelson.

“How’s Angela?”

A shadow crossed Will’s face.

“She’s alive and under arrest.”

Jay exhaled deeply and let his head fall back into the pillow.

_She knows. She knows what you did. She wants you dead._

Will laid a hand onto his lower arm and when Jay lifted his gaze, he saw worry written all over his brother’s face.

“What happened, Jay?”

But he couldn’t tell him. Not yet. 

But he’d find out. The whole world would know.

“Jay?”

“Have you talked to the others?”

“I’ve talked to Voight,” Will replied with a tight voice. Jay had a good idea of that conversation. Will was always quick on blaming his boss if he got injured on the job. But most of the time it was just bad luck, wrong place, wrong time and a little bit of recklessness that had him end up on the wrong side of a gun.

And this time, there was no one to blame but Jay himself.

“Hailey was here, you know?” Will added and raised his eyebrows. “She would have stayed if I hadn’t sent her home.”

Jay found himself smiling, for a moment almost forgetting the mess he was in. He remembered her clearly, her frightful voice, the fear in her eyes, the touch of her hand on his chest before he’d drifted off into oblivion. She must have told Hank the whole story of Angela and his complicated relationship, he was sure of it. He felt sorry for her. He never should have told her about it in the first place.

But she was his friend, someone he trusted with his life. She always understood. She was the only one who really _got him_ , the first since Mouse had left. 

She trusted him, too, and he’d gambled that trust for a piece of absolution that he should have known he’d never receive.

“You wanna call her?”

She must be so disappointed. She’d told him to stay away, to stop the charade, and he’d ignored her.

“Not yet,” he said vaguely. “Can you tell the team I’m okay?”

Will huffed at the last word. Apparently, they both had different ideas of the definition of that word. He was alive, he was awake, he could talk. Sure, his head was close to exploding, and every time he moved his left arm his shoulder sent trails of fire down to his fingertips, and he was going to lose his job and he’d end up working security service like so many other vets, but apart from that, he was okay.

“Promise you’ll call them, Will.”

“Sure.”

In that moment, a doctor entered the room, chart in hand and a smile on his face. Jay remembered that he had been in the room when he’d first woken up, but he’d been too focused on his brother to recall his name.

“Detective, it’s good to see you again. I’m Dr. Marcel.”

“You’re the one who took the bullet out?” Jay asked curiously, then winced as he moved the respective shoulder.

“Yes, that was me. And my team, of course. You gave us quite a scare, Detective Halstead.” Marcel stood beside the bed and placed the chart on the nearby table. “Mind if I examine the shoulder?”

Jay nodded and suppressed another groan when the doctor pushed a button to bring the upper half of the bed into a more elevated position. Apparently his distress didn’t go unnoticed by the doctor, who exchanged a quick glance with Will before he pointed at a small button at the side of the bed.

“If you need any morphine, just press the button.”

Jay followed the IV line from the syringe to the needle that was stuck in his arm. His stomach did a little, unpleasant flip, and he swallowed hard.

“Don’t worry, you can’t overdose,” said Dr. Marcel, obviously misinterpreting his frown for worry, and simultaneously pulled back the hospital gown to take a closer look at the injured shoulder. “There’s a safety mechanism involved. Anything above the tolerable dose must be administered by a nurse.”

“I don’t need it.”

Jay clenched his teeth when Dr. Marcel prodded carefully at his shoulder, giving his best not to give away any evidence of the pain he was in. Painkillers would be the easy way out. But he knew that stuff made him tired, and he didn’t want to fall asleep again, not yet.

Sleep made him see things he’d rather not see, and hear things he’d rather not hear. Sleep brought the demons, even though he’d tried so hard to keep them at bay. But now another one was walking in their midst, another innocent life whose blood was coating his hands, and maybe that was his fate after all, never to outrun his demons when he knew that he deserved their anger.

How many lives could a man take before he became one with his demons? How much blood could a man’s hand spill before he choked on it?

“Jay, you with us?”

He flinched and found his brother staring at him with this concerned look on his face.

“I said we’re going to run some more tests. Are you okay with that?”

Jay nodded automatically. Tests were fine. They were science, clear-cut, black and white instead of shades of grey and red. He wouldn’t have to talk too much, and he could stay awake for a while longer.

* * *

Will made good on his promise and called the CPD. He didn’t want to talk to Hailey, because he knew she’d ask more questions than he could – or wanted to – answer, and he certainly didn’t want to talk to Voight. Not now, not when it was about Jay and his well-being. Will hadn’t forgotten about Angela Nelson and the mysterious circumstances by which she and Jay were connected, and there would soon come the time when he’d confront Voight about it again. But it wasn’t now.

So called Trudy Platt instead, informing her that Jay was awake and on the road to recovery, and he could hear her genuine relief even through the phone. 

When he hung up the phone, though, he felt a little uneasy, as if he’d just been caught lying.

He almost ran into Natalie on his way back to Jay’s room. She pulled him into a hug.

“How is he?”

“He’s awake. They’re running tests now.”

Natalie smiled and patted his shoulder.

“That’s great news, Will. Really.”

“Yeah.”

“Anything wrong?” she asked with a frown. “You should be ecstatic.”

Will exhaled deeply and bit his lip.

“I don’t know. Something’s off, I can feel it. Something’s not right about all this, and yet I can’t put my finger on it. I’m worried, Natalie.”

“Just be there for him. Whatever happened, he’ll need his brother.”

It was easier said than done, though. Will wanted to be there for Jay, but he knew from experience that it wasn’t always that simple. Still he nodded approvingly and promised Natalie that he’d keep her updated on Jay’s recovery. 

However, his gut instinct told him that the road to recovery might be a rocky one, and when he returned to Jay’s room and found his brother staring blankly at the ceiling, the uneasy feeling intensified. They’d been running tests for two hours, Jay had been given some more medication, and he should by all means be asleep right now. Yet there he was, clenching and unclenching his left fist, mouth pressed to a thin line, face drawn and as white as the pillow beneath his head.

It required a second greeting before Jay turned his head and looked at his brother.

“Hey there,” Will said quietly and pulled the chair closer to the bed before he sat down on it. “I thought I’d find you sleeping.”

“Not tired.”

His eyes said differently, but Will decided not to comment on it.

“I talked to Trudy Platt. She’s really happy to hear you’re okay. I’m sure soon this room will be swarming with visitors. I can barely keep the nurses away, I heard they’re fighting over who gets to be assigned to you,” he joked, trying to light up the situation, but to no avail.

Before he could say anything else, though, Dr. Marcel entered the room again. He closed the door behind him, and Will swallowed down the lump in his throat.

“I’ve got your test results.”

Jay turned his head and looked from Crockett to Will and back. Will thought he’d never seen him this tired before. 

“Detective Halstead –“

“It’s Jay,” the younger one interrupted him softly, yet determined.

Will was familiar with this act of self-protection; being called by his first name made him feel less like a patient. Crockett nodded and Jay brought himself into a more upright position, not without another quiet wince that he probably thought Will wouldn’t notice.

“Alright Jay,” said Dr. Marcel, “let’s talk about your current condition. The head scan is looking good. I must admit, I was quite worried about the brain injury, but you’re recovering just great.”

“The Halstead men are famous for their thick heads,” Will remarked, which elicited a small chuckle from his fellow doctor and at least the ghost of a small from Jay that didn’t quite reach his eyes.

“We’ll still keep you under observation for at least one more night, though. You do understand that this is serious, don’t you?”

Jay played with the blanket that he was gripping with his hand and looked back at Crockett.

“Sure. One more night.”

“That’s a minimum, Jay,” Will interjected, but Jay didn’t even look at him.

“Please, Doc. I gotta sleep in my own bed, I promise I’ll be careful.”

Fortunately, his puppy eyes didn’t seem to work on the doctor.

“I won’t make any promises. We’re still waiting for the lab reports anyway.”

The statement was followed by a long, uncomfortable silence, until Dr. Marcel cleared his throat. His expression was more serious than before, which Will knew boded ill, and instinctively he moved an inch closer to Jay.

“How’s your shoulder, Jay?”

“Not bad, considering.”

The lie was so obviously written over his face that Will wanted to throttle his brother.

“Jay, the bullet nicked an artery. You almost bled to death. We managed to repair the artery, and luckily the bullet didn’t damaged the bone, but it did damage the muscle tissue.”

Jay didn’t even blink, just gazed at Dr. Marcel with those tired, green eyes of his and didn’t say a word.

“An injury like that will take time. The body needs to repair the damage, regrow the muscles, and it’ll require help from our end. _Your_ end.”

“How long?” Jay asked, with a voice so hollow that it made Will’s stomach clench. 

“Hard to say, to be honest. Couple of weeks, couple of months.”

Jay let his head fall back against the pillow. For a moment he didn’t look at anyone, clearly having a hard time processing the news. He hated being on desk duty, Will knew that.

“What about long-term impairment?” Jay asked eventually, gaze set sternly on Crockett again. The question was asked without any emotion behind it, and Will almost begged the doctor not to answer it because he didn’t want to know the truth.

Dr. Marcel sighed, as if he had anticipated the question, and took a deep breath.

“I’m not going to sugarcoat it, Jay. There is a chance that you’ll never regain full performance there.” He glanced at Will, who was suddenly feeling a little nauseous. Permanent impairment meant the end of Jay’s life as he knew it. Crockett seemed to understand the implication of his words, too, and he hurried to add, “But you’re young and healthy and, from what I hear, an incredibly stubborn fighter. It’ll be alright, just give it some time.”

Jay nodded slowly. Will waited for any sign of anger or defiance, but his brother just stared blankly and didn’t even flinch when Will put a hand onto his lower arm.

Crockett cleared his throat.

“I’ll see you again when I have the lab results. I’ll give you guys some time. It’s going to be alright, Jay. Get some rest, your body needs it.”

With that he left, and Will was alone with his brother who still hadn’t said a word.

“Jay?” he asked tentatively. “Jay, you know we’ll get through this, right? You’ll get back on the streets, I promise.” Jay’s silence was almost as frightening as the emptiness in his usually bright eyes. “Get some sleep, okay? Please. You heard the Doc, your body needs rest. You gotta keep fighting.”

“What does it matter? They’re gonna take my badge anyway.”

Will needed a moment to process the words. Jay had spoken them so quietly, and as Will looked at him now, taking in the bruises on the pale skin, the shadows under his eyes and the sadness etched upon his face, his brother looked utterly, heartbreakingly forlorn.

“What happened, Jay?” he asked, again, but Jay only shook his head almost unnoticeably, and looked away.

Will kept his hand on his arm for a few more minutes and felt the pit growing in his stomach. He wished the scene didn’t feel as familiar as it did. They’d been there before, all those years ago, and for a split second Will thought that maybe they’d never escaped it in the first place. 


	8. Wrong for all the right reasons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hailey gets to visit Jay at the hospital, but things don't go as smoothly as she'd thought. Will might finally get some answers.

Hailey stared at the computer screen, waiting for the software to find a match between the surveillance camera footage and the database. The faces blurred before her eyes, though. She had barely slept the night before, tossing and turning and always checking her phone. She’d thought that work would be a good distraction, but as it turned out, it didn’t help at all.

Her gaze kept falling onto the empty chair across the room. She and Jay had worked separately before, but this was different. Jay’s absence hung like a cloud above the room. Conversations were quieter, people walked more lightly, as if everyone was afraid they might miss it if he suddenly appeared and greeted them.

Hailey took a sip of coffee and sighed. When she looked up, her eyes met Vanessa’s. The younger woman threw her an encouraging smile, but Hailey couldn’t bring herself to smile back.

_It’s hard because you love him._

The words echoed in the back of her head, no matter how hard she tried to ignore them. Was Vanessa right? Did she love Jay, was he more than her partner?

She was a grown woman; she’d been in relationships before, but now that she thought about it, she wondered if she even knew what love really was. The way she cared about Jay, the way she’d take a bullet for him without hesitation – she’d do the same for anyone else in the room. That much she knew for sure. Her unit was her family, and they’d all die for each other. It wasn’t different with Jay. Not really.

But she was different, with him. Deep down, she knew that, even though she would never admit it. Sometimes she felt as if he was the only one who understood her, really got her, knew her inside out in a way she didn’t even know herself. Even the worst days were a little bit better with him. She didn’t have that with the rest.

And now it was one worst day after another, and he wasn’t there.

Lost in thoughts, Hailey didn’t hear Trudy Platt enter the office. She only registered her when she cleared her throat. Like everyone else, Hailey faced her, involuntarily tensing up as she perceived the serious expression on Trudy’s face.

For a split second, the thought crossed her mind that her boss would inform them that Jay was dead.

The thought went as quickly as it had come, but the knot in her stomach remained.

“I just got a call from the hospital,” Trudy said. “Will called me. Jay’s awake and not in critical condition anymore.”

Hailey exhaled the breath she’d been holding. On the other side of the room, Kim wiped her face with the back of her hand, while Adam was standing behind her with his hand on her shoulder. Voight was leaning against the doorframe of his office, arms crossed before his chest.

“Thanks, Trudy.”

Hailey looked at him. Hank had been tense ever since the ambulance had carried Jay away; Hailey still hadn’t fully figured him out, but she knew that her sergeant cared about Jay more than he usually let on. 

“He’s being transferred to a regular room,” Trudy added. “The ICU won’t be necessary any longer.”

The words sank in slowly.

“Can we visit him?” Adam asked before the question could even form in Hailey’s head.

“I don’t see why not. One at a time, though. He needs rest.”

Hailey was suddenly reminded of her grandmother. It was something she would never say out loud, though, not if she wanted to have a future at the CPD.

“So we’re gonna do rock-paper-scissors?” Adam asked with a broad grin on his face.

“I think his partner should be first, don’t you think?” Vanessa replied, casually glancing at Hailey, who mouthed a silent “Thank you” when Voight nodded.

“Get going, Hailey,” Hank said. “I’ll drop by later.”

“Tell him we miss him!”

“Make sure he behaves!”

Hailey exhaled rather shakily, suddenly a little overwhelmed with the kindness of her team. She grabbed her jacket and followed Trudy downstairs. Her boss stopped her before Hailey could head for the exit.

“Take your time, Hailey. And let him know we’re having his back, no matter what.”

“Sure.”

Trudy went back to her desk, and Hailey hurried to the car park.

The hospital wasn’t far, and Hailey was driving fast, almost running a red light once. She parked the car and then had to hold herself back from running towards the front desk like a mad woman. She did her best to collect herself before she talked to the woman in front of her.

“My name’s Hailey Upton, I’m here to see Jay Halstead.”

“Family?”

“Colleague.” She flashed her badge. “Can I see him, please?”

“Room 4.10. Elevator, then left down the hallway.”

Hailey didn’t bother to wait for the elevator. She took the steps two at a time, wheezing a little when she reached the fourth floor. She paused for a second, thinking how much Jay would enjoy teasing her for being in such bad shape.

God, she missed their banter.

Finally she stood in front of the right room. The door was open, but she still stopped in the doorframe and just looked at Jay for a moment. He was lying on his back, his right arm above the blanket with an IV line attached to it, head slightly turned away from the door. A tray, still filled with food, had been placed onto the small table next to the bed. It was just a regular patient in a regular hospital room. But Hailey couldn’t help it; the moment she saw him, she saw the blood, the oxygen mask, the paramedics. She had to take this moment, just to remind herself that this was Jay, right in front of her, and he was going to be alright.

In that moment Jay looked up.

“Hailey,” he said, his voice low and a little raw, as if he hadn’t spoken for years. A small smile crept upon his face.

“Hey, Jay.” She walked into the room and towards the bed, then sat down on the only chair. She looked at her partner, trying to convince herself that he was indeed alright. “How’re you feeling?”

“I’m fine.”

The lie was so obvious that Hailey didn’t even try to argue with him. Jay knew that she saw right through it. It was just an automatic response, his standard statement whenever he was anything but fine.

Truth be told, Jay looked awful. It made Hailey’s stomach clench when she looked more closely at him. His one eye was still partly swollen shut, and the pink bruises could barely cover the dark rings under his eyes. His numerous freckles stood out almost black against his ghostly pale face. An IV line was attached to his arm, a nasal cannula was supplying additional oxygen, and for a moment Hailey wondered if the doctors had made a mistake by having him leave the ICU.

“How’s the shoulder?”

She could catch a glimpse of the bandage where the hospital gown had slipped a little. Everything was white, but she could still remember the feeling of warm blood running beneath her fingers and the way Jay’s eyes had lost focus. She felt a little nauseous now and almost missed Jay’s answer.

“Hurts a little,” he admitted, which basically translated to a solid 10 on the pain scale. “I’ve had worse.”

That was possibly true, but it didn’t make Hailey feel any better.

“You gotta get me out of here. Please.”

“Not an option.” Hailey actually chuckled when Jay gave her his best puppy eyes impression. “The others are sending their best wishes,” she said in an attempt to cheer him up. “We’ve got your back, no matter what.”

A shadow fell upon Jay’s face. Hailey bit her lip and put a hand onto his lower arm.

“We’ll figure something out about Angela.”

“Have you heard anything about her?” Jay asked quietly. “Nobody’s telling me anything.”

“Last I heard, she was doing okay. She’s under arrest.”

“I know.”

For a moment, there was only silence. Something was off, Hailey could sense it. This wasn’t the way she’d imagined her visit would go. Then again, she hadn’t really given it much thought; it was her and Jay, it was supposed to be easy.

“I wish I could see her,” Jay spoke into the silence, avoiding her look. “If I could just talk to her… tell her –“

“Tell her what, you’re sorry? Jay, she almost killed you!” Hailey interrupted him before he could finish his sentence. “She doesn’t deserve your apology, not after what she’s done!”

Jay looked up at Hailey, and in his eyes she could see a kind of fatigue that she hadn’t seen in him before. It made a lump form in her throat which grew in size when Jay didn’t answer.

“I know you’re afraid that she’ll talk, have you face charges. But, Jay, we’ve got you. Hank will take care of this, he always does.”

“Exactly.” Jay gave a small, mirthless laugh. “How often do you think Hank can actually get with it? How long can _we_ get away with it? It all ends eventually. Maybe this time, someone’s gotta pay.”

“But you already did pay. You protected her, and then she nearly killed you. Haven’t you paid enough?” When Jay didn’t answer, but instead turned his head away, Hailey ran a hand through her hair and sighed in frustration. “You made a mistake, Jay. It’s what humans do. But you didn’t do it on purpose, whereas she – she decided that you deserved to die. And that is so, _so_ wrong.”

“People do wrong things for all the right reasons.”

“What reason is there for her to try to kill you?” Hailey felt her eyes starting to sting. The more she talked about it, the more she realized that Angela Nelson had aimed a gun at her friend and pulled the trigger. Just a little difference of the angle, a little closer, less shaking of her hand, and she would be preparing for a funeral now.

“She loved him,” Jay said quietly. “People do wrong things for the ones they love all the time.”

_Like entering a hostage situation without backup._

_Like keeping a secret instead of doing her job._

“Jay – “

“I’m not saying she did the right thing. But she’s right to blame me. I killed Marcus, and that’s a fact.”

There was a finality to his words that made Hailey’s eyes burn even more.

“Excuse me for a second,” she said and abruptly left the room. Part of her thought that Jay might call after her, but he didn’t. She made it only a few steps down the hallway, just out of earshot for Jay, before she stopped and leant against the wall, taking a deep breath and trying to regain her composure. She knew, rationally, that Jay had been through a lot and just needed time. He’d come around, he always did.

But what if this time was different?

“Hailey?”

She flinched when Will suddenly stood before her. She could see immediately that he, too, was troubled. The shadows under his eyes rivalled Jay’s, and even the large cup of coffee in his right hand wouldn’t change that.

“I’ve come to see Jay.”

“Seeing that you’re hiding here, I assume it didn’t go well?”

Hailey looked at him in surprise. She hadn’t thought her inner turmoil was so obvious.

“I know that, medically, he’s doing better,” she replied and sighed. “But emotionally, he’s – I don’t know.”

“Yeah.” Will hesitated for a second, then took a deep breath. “What happened, Hailey? Between my brother and that Angela Nelson woman?”

The question caught Hailey by surprise. Will must have misunderstood her silence, because he gestured at her to follow him into a nearby unoccupied room. He looked frustrated and utterly exhausted. Hailey followed him, wondering what on earth she was supposed to tell him. She’d sworn to stay silent, to keep her secret, but then again this was Will. Jay’s brother. Will, who’d almost lost his brother because Hailey had allowed her feelings to cloud her judgement.

Will closed the door and turned around to face Hailey.

“What happened? I know there’s something going on, but nobody’s telling me anything.”

“It’s classified.”

“Oh, screw that!” Will exclaimed, crumpling his empty coffee cup in his hand. “I’m his brother! Do you have any idea what it does to me, seeing him like that? I’ve lost count on how often he’s been hurt on the job, and while it scares me every single time, this – this scares the Hell out of me! He said they’re gonna take his badge. If they do that… if they take that away from him, the job, the team –“

“We’re not gonna let that happen.” Hailey wished her voice was a little less unsteady. To her horror, she felt her eyes starting to burn again. “We’ll protect him.”

“Right, ‘cause that worked so well in the past,” Will replied sarcastically.

“Will –“

“Stop it. You say you’ll protect him, but won’t tell me why he needs that protection in the first place. But I need to know, and to be honest, I think I _deserve_ to know. I watched his surgery, I sat by his side until he woke up, I fought with him to get through this. I didn’t do it all just to lose him now after all.”

Will took a shaky breath and tossed the cardboard cup into a trashcan. He was angry and afraid, and he had every right to be. His words echoed in Hailey’s mind, words that summed up everything she felt but couldn’t say out loud.

“First of all,” she began, slowly and quietly, “you have to know that Jay did nothing wrong.”

And then she told Will everything. She told the whole story, everything she knew, and the longer she spoke the more Will paced the room.

“And now he’s afraid that Angela will go public. She wanted him dead, but seeing him lose what he loves might be the next best thing for her,” Hailey finally ended. “It wasn’t Jay’s fault, not really, but he’s the one who signed West’s transfer to jail.”

“Damn it.” Will stopped his pacing and leant against the wall. “I can’t believe he kept that from me. You were the only one who knew the whole story?”

“Mouse, too.”

Jay had told her not too long ago that he’d confided in his best friend. Will nodded slowly.

“Now that text makes sense. And Jay… no wonder he’s like this. If Angela goes public, no one will give a damn that he did what any other cop would have done. Innocent man goes to jail – innocent _black_ man – white cop’s at fault. They’ll tear him apart.”

He let his head drop back against the wall and closed his eyes for a second.

“He’s such a good man, and he carries so much guilt on his shoulders,” he mumbled, and the love he held for his brother was echoing in every syllable. “When will it ever be enough?”

Hailey pressed her lips together and gazed at Will from across the room.

“We’ll find a way to sort this out. He won’t lose his badge. Believe me, Will, we’ll keep him safe. He’s one of us.”

“The CPD family. I know.” A small smile found its way onto Will’s face. “You love him very much, don’t you?”

Hailey swallowed against the tightness in her throat. It was such an easy question.

“We do,” she answered with a thick voice, and something flickered in Will’s eyes, but he didn’t get the chance to say anything in return. His pager beeped. He took one look at it and glanced at Hailey.

“Maggie’s with Jay. Something’s not right.”

An icy feeling of dread spread through Hailey’s body. They couldn’t have been gone for more than fifteen minutes. Jay had been fine when she’d left. Will was already out of the door, and without a second thought Hailey followed him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long. I hope you like this and don't mind the little cliffhanger.  
> I still find it a little bit hard to write from Hailey's POV, so I put this chapter off until I watched 8x03.


	9. Brothers and Partners

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will and Hailey find out what happened to Jay.  
> Some Upstead feels.

Will heard the shouting at the end of the hallway and ran faster. His heart was pounding in his chest, from exertion as well as from fear. Jay’s room wasn’t far, but the distance seemed endless.

He skidded to a halt when he reached the room. The door was open, and there was Jay, alive, breathing raggedly and struggling weakly against Dr. Rhodes who was pushing him back onto the bed.

“You’ve got to calm down!”

Maggie was standing a few feet away, wordlessly pulling up the needle that Jay must have ripped from his arm in his attempt to get off the bed.

“Let me go!” Jay protested, but his resistance was futile. Everyone could see that he was dead on his feet, and he was back on the bed before he knew it. Will darted towards him. He pressed his hand onto his brother’s arm and tried to get him to look him in the eye.

“What happened, Jay? Come on, talk to me.”

But Jay didn’t answer. His gaze was set on Hailey, who had followed Will and was now standing at the door. Jay moved his lips, but no words came out.

“I came to check on him, see if he’d finally eaten,” Maggie said, “and when I opened the door he was already stumbling into me. Ripped off his IV and said he needed to go see Angela. Which, I suppose, is Angela Nelson?”

Jay flinched and clenched his jaw. Will took a deep breath and carefully let go of his brother’s arm. On the other side of the bed, Rhodes was doing the same, but both men stayed in their positions just in case. Will exchanged a look with Hailey, who came closer and stopped at the end of the bed.

“We’ve been over this, Jay. You can’t see her,” she said softly, and at the sound of her voice something changed in Jay’s posture.

“You know I have to,” he replied, voice low and almost apologetic. “Hailey, please –“

“What you must do is sleep.” Maggie gestured at the small tray of food on the table. “And eat, for that matter.”

Will was grateful that she didn’t even ask more about Angela. Things were complicated enough already. Jay didn’t answer her. He was clearly struggling to keep his eyes open. Whatever adrenaline had kept him going, it was wearing off.

“I think we can take it from here,” Will said to Connor, and Hailey nodded. The other doctor didn’t look too convinced, but still got up from his position at Jay’s side and shrugged.

“Let me know if you need me.”

Will appreciated the support, he really did, but the fewer people got involved in this, the better. He watched as Rhodes left the room and, when the door fell shut, he turned his attention back to Jay. There was blood on his lower arm where the IV had been, a thin sheen of sweat was visible on his forehead, and when Will carefully pulled back Jay’s hospital gown at the neckline he found a small red spot at his chest.

“Damnit Jay,” he growled, “you stupid, stupid – _God_ , you’re killing me!”

His voice was trembling; when he’d read Maggie’s message on the pager he’d thought, honest-to-God, that he’d find his brother receiving CPR, or worse. This scenario here should have made him relieved. Turned out, it only made him angry.

“It’s just a small tear at the suture, the stitches are still in place. Lucky fool,” he added grimly.

“Yeah, lucky me,” Jay echoed, his quiet voice dripping with sarcasm. He winced when Will brought the headrest of the bed into an upright position. Jaw clenched, Jay pressed the back of his head into the pillow. Will could see the way his muscles tensed when he began to carefully undo the bandage covering his brother’s shoulder.

“You need anything for the pain?”

“I’m fine.”

On the other side of the bed Maggie huffed, but didn’t say anything. She passed Will a fresh set of gauze once he had removed the blood-stained bandage. Will couldn’t suppress a sharp intake of breath. It was the first time he saw Jay’s injury up close. The stitches were perfect, Crockett had done a good job. Still, the wound would leave a scar, another one to the collection.

As he looked up, his eyes met Hailey’s. The blonde seemed to think the same as he did.

_He came too close._

Will re-applied the bandage, taking care not to jostle Jay any more than he had to. His brother remained silent through the whole ordeal, despite the pain that was etched so clearly upon his face. It didn’t take more than five minutes, but by the time Will was done Jay was trembling slightly, with his right hand clenched around the blanket. He didn’t say a word, though; Jay always kept his pain to himself, Will knew that. 

Finally, he lowered the headrest again and took a deep breath, ready to scold his brother for his stupidity.

“’m sorry, Will.”

The mumbled words had Will’s anger deflate like a pinched balloon.

“It’s okay. Just promise me you won’t do it again, Jay. Please. You gotta take care of yourself.”

Jay nodded, then became tense as he glanced sideways. Maggie was there, a white plastic tray in hand, and gave an apologetic shrug.

“You need that IV. Brought that on yourself now, didn’t you?”

To say that Jay hated needles was an understatement. Sometimes Will though that he’d never get used to seeing him being so afraid of such a standard procedure. He had more broken bones and scars than any other person Will knew, and still just the sight of a syringe got him alarmed to the point of panic.

Jay’s breathing quickened and his eyes darted from Maggie to Will until his gaze settled on Hailey. There was something in his eyes that made Will retreat from his position at the side of the bed and let Hailey take his place. She sat down on Jay’s left and took his hand in hers.

“Told you I’d have your back,” she said softly, and Jay’s features relaxed a little while his hand gripped Hailey’s so tightly that Will feared he might crush her fingers. “Just look at me.”

And to Will’s relief, Jay did just that. He kept his gaze glued on his partner, hissing sharply when Maggie inserted the needle, and Maggie worked even more quickly than Will knew she normally did with other patients. She also clipped the pulse oximeter back onto Jay’s index finger.

“All done, Jay,” she declared finally, and Jay wasn’t the only one who sighed in relief.

Will wanted to tell Jay that he’d done good, but stopped himself before he could open his mouth when he saw how focused his brother was on Hailey. She had placed her hand onto his hair and gently wiped his forehead with her thumb, mumbling something that Will couldn’t hear, and Jay smiled almost invisibly and slowly relaxed his hand that was still grasping Hailey’s. Will exchanged a look with Maggie. Both nodded at each other in unison.

“I’ll be right back,” Will told the two detectives and followed Maggie out of the room.

The nurse made a few notes in the chart before she looked at Will.

“They’re a good team, aren’t they?”

She pointed at the inside of the room, raising an eyebrow at Will, who cleared his throat.

“Sure, they are. Good partners.”

Maggie chuckled, but quickly became serious again.

“She’s good for him, anyone can see that. He needs someone like her around.”

“Are you saying I’m not good enough? I’m devastated.”

Will spoke with a mocking tone, but his concern was at least partly true. He wanted to support Jay. It was his job as a brother, had been ever since they were kids, and nothing hurt more than those moments when he couldn’t help him despite his best efforts.

“You are good enough, Will. But sometimes… sometimes you need a partner, not a brother.”

“Understood.”

“Will, I’m worried,” Maggie said, all serious now. “He hasn’t slept properly ever since he first woke up. I’ve put him on mild analgesics, so the pain shouldn’t be keeping him awake. In fact, he should be knocked out, but he’s not. He _needs_ rest. His body needs time to regenerate. I’ve talked to Crockett about it, and he agrees that we can’t send him home like that.”

“Maggie –“

“If all else fails, he’ll just get the drugs, but I’d much rather have him agree to it than force it. Talk to him, Will.”

Will sighed and nodded. Somehow, this all felt too familiar, and he hated it. If Jay didn’t want to sleep, it was because sleep brought the nightmares, and after what had happened Will had a distinct notion that they were even worse now than before. Jay’s PTSD had been severe for a long time, and Will would be forever grateful to Hailey and Voight for accomplishing what he couldn’t and making Jay seek professional help. Things were better now, but Will knew that traumas this deep would never fully leave. As Jay had once put it, in a moment of bitterness, they were the weird grandpa at the family gathering who’d suddenly yell out a bomber warning and hide under the table while the rest of the family would awkwardly pretend like it hadn’t happened.

“I’ll see what I can do,” he replied and mentally prepared himself for a very unpleasant discussion before he returned to Jay’s room.

* * *

Jay watched Will and Maggie who were standing outside his room. Through the half-closed lids he could only see parts of his brother, but he could tell from his gestures and posture alone that it wasn’t a nice conversation.

He’d never meant to worry Will and Hailey like that. But they didn’t understand. He needed Angela’s forgiveness, and more than anything else he needed her promise that she wouldn’t tell her son what he’d done. He would have to learn how to live with his guilt, but right now he could at least assure himself that he’d helped Bobby, and the thought that eventually the boy would have to find out that all these good moments had been based on a lie was enough to make his stomach clench.

“A penny for your thoughts.”

Hailey had placed her hand onto his lower arm, gently brushing her index finger against his skin. She stayed clear of his wrist, whether on purpose or not Jay didn’t know, but he appreciated it. It was easy to sync his breathing to the movement of Hailey’s finger. It took away some, if not all, of his tension, though it made his fatigue even harder to fight.

_Everything’s a little easier with her._

“I never thanked you,” Jay mumbled. “For getting me out. I’m glad you’re my partner.”

He thought he saw a flicker in Hailey’s eyes, and realization washed over him that he might lose her along with his badge and the rest of the team. He’d been so lost in his fear of losing his job that he hadn’t even thought of everything else he’d lose in the process.

He felt sick.

“Hailey, I –“

“We’ll fix this together. You’re not alone in this. Anything else is not an option because I – _we_ – need you.”

Jay offered a little smile in response to Hailey’s optimism.

_You’re not alone in this. We need you._

He played the words over and over in his head, letting them sink into his mind and hold onto them like a drowning man grasping for an anchor. He took Hailey’s hand and squeezed it lightly.

In that moment the door opened, and he quickly let go. His heart sank when he saw the look on Will’s face. His brother approached the bed, whereas Maggie announced that she had to look after another patient, leaving Jay with his brother and Hailey.

“I assume you haven’t been discussing my early release?” he asked in what he hoped was a cheerful voice.

Will huffed and shook his head.

“One more night, you know that.”

“Will –“

“No. Just no.” Will ran a hand through his hair. “You need a good night’s sleep, at least for one night, otherwise you’ll collapse in your kitchen sooner or later.”

Jay knew what he was getting at, and he felt his whole body tensing up and his pulse quickening with the oncoming wave of anxiety. He _was_ sleeping, Will had to know that. Maybe not for long, but surely Will would understand if he had seen what Jay saw, time and time again. 

It was ridiculous, of course. He had always been good at sleeping and he had perfected the art of sleeping anywhere, anytime during basic training. He could do a power nap on the way to a drug bust if he had to. But if he slept too long, there was always a chance that he’d wake up in panic after endless inner terror, and he hated it as much as he feared it.

“We can give you something to sleep better,” said Will and looked at Jay with genuine concern on his face. “Might be for the best, though I know you don’t want to. It’s not our first rodeo, is it?”

Jay glanced at Hailey. Her lips were pressed to a thin line; she avoided his gaze and looked onto her hand instead which was still only inches away from his own.

“I don’t need anything else,” he stated firmly. With heavy medication, he lost control, and he couldn’t afford that. “Please, don’t do that. Please, Will.”

Deep down he was aware of how scared he sounded. His voice trembled in sync with his hand and just the thought of another needle stuck into his arm, a needle to trap him in his nightmares, had his pulse sky-rocketing.

“Maybe we can try without meds first?”

Hailey’s input came as a surprise. Her hand wandered back onto Jay’s arm, again she stroked his skin, and he focused on that.

_Inhale. Exhale._

“Can you stay?” he whispered, not knowing where the wish came from but knowing for sure that he needed her for this.

Hailey smiled.

“Let me talk to Voight, okay? I’m sure it’ll be fine.”

She got up from her position and left to make the call, and Will took her place. He looked incredibly tired, Jay thought. He wondered when Will had had a good night’s sleep for the last time.

“Hailey told me what happened.”

Jay needed a moment to fully grasp the words. They sank in slowly, but when they registered, his heart started racing. He pressed his eyes shut for a second, just so that he didn’t have to look at his brother.

“Jay. Jay, look at me.” He felt Will’s hand on his shoulder. “I’m glad that she told me. I only wish I’d heard it from you.”

“I killed an innocent man, Will.” It was even worse when he said it out loud. “You never should have found out.”

“And how do you expect me to help you when I don’t know the story, hm?”

“There’s nothing you can do to help.”

“Watch me.”

Will squeezed his shoulder, and Jay found it suddenly very hard to keep his eyes from stinging. Maybe, if both Will and Hailey believed it, there was some hope after all.

Even though he didn’t see it.

Before he could say anything, Hailey returned.

“I officially have the rest of the day off,” she announced with a grin, which faded when she looked from Will to Jay. “Am I interrupting something? Should I leave you two alone?”

It was the opposite of what Jay wanted. Fortunately Will shook his head before he had to answer.

“No, you stay here, Hailey. I trust you’ll take good care of your partner?”

Again, Jay thought he could see the flicker in Hailey’s eyes, but he still couldn’t put his finger on it.

“Of course I will.”

“Get some sleep, Will. And a shower,” Jay added, which earned him a very disapproving look from his brother. 

“Don’t do anything stupid until I see you again!”

“Promise.”

He meant it. He still wanted to see Angela and talk to her, but for now he had worried his friends enough. So he waved at Will one last time and watched him leave the room before he turned to face Hailey. She had sat down on the side of the bed, watching him while a multitude of emotions were reflected from her eyes. He saw concern, a little bit of sadness, a little bit of relief, and something else that he couldn’t quite distinguish.

“How long can you stay?”

“As long as you need me to.”

And he did need her; he knew that now more than ever.

If only he knew how to put that simple truth into words.

“Get some sleep, Jay,” she spoke softly. “I’ll be right here, and I’ll still be here tomorrow.”

His eyelids began to drop; his limbs were as heavy as lead, his shoulder comfortably numb. Maybe he could do this. Maybe this time he wouldn’t see them, their dead bodies, their empty eyes, not hear their voices screaming in his ears, maybe –

“It’s gonna be okay.” He hadn’t realized he’d started trembling again, only became aware of it when Hailey took his hand. “I’m right here.”

“Can you promise you’ll wake me up if…”

_If I need rescue._

Hailey’s fingers entwined with his; he could feel her warmth against his skin.

“I’ll get you out, Jay. I always do, I promise.”

Everything was easier with her. Even this. He let her words echo in his mind and focused on the warmth of her hand and the touch of her thumb that made the small, stroking gesture again.

_Inhale, exhale._

There was something more he wanted to say, but his mind drifted off and the words were gone. Some other time, some other place, he thought before the darkness embraced him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope it's not too cheesy at the end. I have just caught up with season 8 of CPD and after 8x03 I have massive Upstead feels, they're just so good together. Still, I don't intend to make this an Upstead fic. I just think that both Jay and Hailey had things they were too afraid to say at that time, and their story might have gone differently if they'd admitted their feelings earlier.

**Author's Note:**

> Reviews and constructive criticism are very much appreciated.


End file.
